Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet/Pet Psychic

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Dear Merwin,
My pet monkey Bonkers is doing this thing that is making him difficult to be around. He has taken to regularly masturbating all over the floor. He won’t even use a tissue or a sock. I have made a point to leave socks all around the house for the express purpose of his monkey sperm not being on my rug or in my hair.
I don’t usually try to stifle my pets’s ability to express themselves in any way, shape or form. In fact, I have a trans-gendered armadillo named Phileshia, who used to be called Jake, so I’m not weird or anything.
Can you please tell me why Bonkers can’t stop F@#*!ing jerking off all over my stuff four times a day? Is there like some kind of spray or pill to make him stop?
Something.
Sincerely,
Please help my house from filling up with monkey sperm.
Dear PHMHFFUWMS,
I have met with my spirit guides, and they have met with the spirit guides of Bonkers, and they talked for a while, then my spirit guides got back to me and told me what they talked about. Now, I’m going to tell you some of what they said. Here is what they told me.
My spirit guides say that Bonker’s spirit guides say that he is sad. He’s sad because someone special to him has left. This person was someone special to him that is no longer in your life.
This leads me to think that you have recently broken up with your boyfriend, who used to give Bonkers “Hand Jobs” or “Handies” while you were sleeping or perhaps watching TV or reading- the point is you were doing something else instead of sexually satisfying your monkey and he found someone else to take care of it.
Bonkers really, really liked this, according to his spirit guides. Really liked it. He misses the special attention that this person gave him. His spirit guides are sick of hearing of it.
They say it’s the only thing he talks about, goes on and on about it he does. So you see, this isn’t just your problem. His spirit guides are pretty annoyed right now. You might want to try to pay attention to other things that aren’t yourself.
Sadly, there is no good way to contain the masturbatory​ habits of a pet monkey. You’re either going to have to get with the program and offer him a release four or five times a day or get used to the fact that you’re going to be ankle deep in monkey love juice every morning until he expires, which is not part of a balanced breakfast.
I sincerely hope that you can find peace with this situation, which you have created and is no one’s fault but your own, because when you take an animal into your home and  deny it the ability to exercise its most basic of instincts, you end up with sticky loads of simian seed every where, making emotional distress unavoidable for yourself, all your pets and all their spirit guides.
As Always I Remain,
Merwin
P.s. What is Phileshia’s number?
 merwin
Merwin Smith has been a professional psychic pet his entire life. Even though he realized his gifts at an early age, he didn’t start pet psychic-ing professionally until 20 years ago.

 

He quickly became the darling of the pet psychic scene and was one of the most requested readers at “The Psychic Pet Pet Psychic Shack”.

If you have a question about your pet, you can email Merwin at: merwin@saturdayeveningghost.com

 

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