Jimmy Jam and the Bedtime Ka-Blam
Most every child detests bed time.
Sure, there’s always that one exception to the rule and because of that a small percentage of children go off to bed without a hint of protest and they sleep without tossing and turning or wetting themselves and they only have pleasant dreams.
You know pleasant dreams, the kind of dreams that come with with lots of flying, magic powers and cats that always stay kittens and have fur made of cotton candy.
Pleasant dreams and children who go to bed without a fuss are equally rare and when they occur, they are supposed to be cherished by those who are lucky enough to have them in their lives.
Some people are of the opinion that all children are to be equally cherished and a child should not be judged on the content of their dreams. The truth is that there exists a type of child that, while not quite pure evil – it is just so very close enough that most of the major churches will shut the door in their face.
The churches that do such things are right to do them. Thankfully for us, they are relatively rare and many people can go an entire lifetime without ever having to spend a second in the presence of a nearly evil child that a church would deny membership to.
Evil children cause the adult brain to melt down a bit. A child is often perceived as a symbol of innocence and a spring of limitless joy and wonder. The perversion of this is often too much for many adults to handle. Jimmy Jam’s first dad was just such an adult.
Jimmy’s first dad tried so very hard to love his son. There is no judge or jury on earth who would have found him guilty of not loving his son for lack of effort. They would have, however, had no trouble whatsoever convicting him guilty of suicide, which is a crime in many places and also something that he actually did.
As mentioned, it’s not that Jimmy’s first dad didn’t try. Oh how he tried. He tried to love Jimmy more than he cried about the horrible things his son had done, which is unusual. When Jimmy was only four his first father just could not take any more and went into the garage and he turned on the car. He went to sleep and dreamed of eating a kitten’s cotton candy fur. He didn’t wake up, not even ever again.
A few days later Jimmy’s mom got a letter in the mail from Jimmy’s first dad. He had mailed it before he expired. When she opened it up and read it, it said this to her:
My Dear Hazel,
I just can’t stand the boy anymore. I regret that we are responsible for unleashing him upon this earth. I urge you to join me as soon as possible.
See You Soon,
That was two years ago. Jimmy Jam was six now and he had a new dad. Well, not a brand new dad. The new dad smell had faded a while ago. His new dad wasn’t his old dad though, and that counted for something. In addition to being six and having a new dad, Jimmy Jam had a cool leather coat, a super sweet tree house and a tiny red race car. He also had an uncle who was a wizard. Those are all good things to have when you’re six.
Having an uncle who is a wizard is a useful thing to have. If you see, you’ll soon see Jimmy Jam has a habit of dying. He didn’t mean to but that doesn’t mean much. So far Jimmy had died four times. Every time he died his mother would call her brother. Her brother would then call his friend, who would text his roommate who would ask his boss if he had any time to resurrect a dead child. Sometimes his uncle’s friend’s roommate’s boss would say he was busy and Jimmy had to be buried until the boss had the time to bring him back to life. But he always bought him back to life.
Jimmy, like most kids, hated bedtime. He saw it as an indecent imposition on his personal freedom. After all he had a car, a cool coat, and sometimes a switchblade, so why did he also need someone else to tell him when he was tired? He didn’t.
One day at school, Jimmy decided to do something about bedtime. Something drastic. He decided that when he got home from school he was going to visit dreamland and kill bed time.
He knew he could do it. He’d been thinking about this for a while and was certain if that, given the information he had were true, he could easily enter the dreamland and kill bedtime and never have to go to bed again.
Without a bedtime Jimmy Jam could do all kinds of things. He could race his car at night, watch those tv shows he’s not allowed to watch, play rock guitar concerts on the moon (which wasn’t an option during the day and took too long at night if you had a bedtime) and many other things he had only dreamed of.
One day at lunch time he didn’t buy lunch, instead Jimmy traded his switchblade to the older kids for a map which showed him the way to dream land. On the walk home from school that day he bought a lead pipe at the junkyard with his unspent lunch money. When he got home he went to his room and studied the map. Studied it hard.
“According to this map”. Said Jimmy Jam “I can get to dreamland through the basement. There’s a portal by the water heater.”
“Once I’m there.” He continued and then he went on “‘I’ll bash bed time good with my lead pipe and then drive my race car to the moon and rock out on my guitar.”
That’s exactly what he did. Jimmy took a nap until his mom and second dad went to sleep, then he dressed himself in his sneaking outfit, grabbed his lead pipe and map and headed into the basement with a flashlight.
Jimmy easily located the portal, thanks to his map. He then slid into dreamland on a giant dreamy slide. When he got there he demanded to meet bedtime. When he met bedtime he bashed his skull in with the lead pipe he purchased from the junkyard until blood and brains were everywhere and bedtime was nowhere. After he finished he strutted right back through the portal like he’d won a dance contest.
Jimmy Jam no longer needed to go to bed. His gambit had paid off. Since he didn’t need to sleep, he spent the next few weeks fulfilling his dreams. He raced his car in the dark and it was awesome. He rocked out his guitar on the moon and it was great. He even investigated the rumors about the moon amusement park and was pleased to find them true. The moon roller coasters were the best.
After a few months of not having a bedtime, Jimmy Jam began to make no sense to those he spoke to. He’d often become angry for no reason and got staby with his mother. She required stitches a bit more than usual but didn’t seem to mind.
He muttered to himself often and grew increasingly paranoid and even took up smoking real cigarettes instead of candy ones, but it didn’t seem to help. One time he threatened his second father with the business end of a broken soda bottle. That was a step too far for his parents, but by then it was too late. Months of not sleeping had more than begun to take it’s toll on Jimmy. One night while rocking out a great guitar solo on the moon around about 2:32 am, Jimmy fell over and never got up.
His little heart had just clocked out. The stress of not sleeping was too much for his him and he died again for the fifth time so far.
In the morning Jimmy’s mother called her wizard brother, who is the same person as Jimmy’s wizard uncle. He said he’d make some calls on her behalf and get back to her. He did get back to her and in a few days everything was back to normal.