Dear Mr. Myrrh,
In the 3/17 issue of SEG you said I could tell my friend I had a skeleton for a pal. So I did. And one of the other kid’s mothers heard me and claimed it was slang for a new street drug she just made up. She said the effects were however I was behaving at the moment. She may have heard about it from the secret Oprah email list. Have you heard about this? It’s like an Infowars for concerned upper middle class moms. They don’t like you guys. Anyway, I’m going to be doing a nickel at a Scared Straight Christian boot camp for third graders. It’s built on top of a desecrated Native American holy site. Anything you could do with that?
Skeleton Crew 4 lyfe
I know a guy. Don’t even worry about it.
Dear Uncle Mort,
Yesterday I was listening to my iPod on shuffle and it played all the songs in alphabetical order. What are the odds? Am I blessed by Jesus?
Wow, that’s pretty swell! What are the odds? Well, I can’t tell you the specific odds, but I can tell you they’re identical to any other random order. The ordered set of symbols of the Latin Phonetic Alphabet bears no significance over any other random order. In fact, if, say, a Japanese person with no knowledge of our alphabet had that happen they would find absolutely no significance to an alphanumerical pattern. The significance is bestowed upon this particular pattern by your own consciousness because you’re familiar with it. Now apply that to any other random event you encounter, including the origin of the universe and the evolution of man. Still pretty neat, though! Thanks for the letter, Doomed Monkey!
Dear Uncle Mort,
My girlfriend insists we do not spend enough time together despite the fact that we live in the same apartment, are both unemployed, and have no independent social lives. What should I do?
Dear LT, you like that? LT? You can have that one on me!
Sounds like a real pickle you got there. I suggest moving to an underground bunker where your internal clock will no longer receive day/night cues. In the absence of the rising and setting sun your internal clock will fall into a 32 hour rhythm. This will give you an extra eight hours per day in which to enjoy some quality time together. If she still doesn’t think that’s enough time together, she may just have decided it would be better to drive you insane than breakup with you outright. This happens when someone is no longer interested in their significant other, but is incapable of being alone. To distract themselves from their cognitive dissonance they engage in emotional torture of their SO. In this case, I recommend anything from the brown liquor family. Or maybe think about leaving the house every now and then.