Taurus- This is a pretty good month for you Taurus! Work tensions ease up around the 15th when that restraining order finally gets approved by the judge. The lesson here is that justice works better when you bribe it good and hard. 4 Skulls.
Gemini- Shoot for the stars, not at them. Other people need to be able to see them too. 3 Skulls.
Cancer- Mercury enters your mom next Tuesday, leaving you traumatized about what you heard coming through your walls. Don’t worry though, next time he’ll be back for you. 2 Skulls if you’re into that sort of thing, 1 if you’re not.
Leo- You just agreed to split up and search the abandoned castle for clues, didn’t you? I thought so. 1 Skull.
Virgo- Think of your soul as a bicycle. Got it? Good, because this month is all about finding out who stole your seat. Around 90% of you can expect an uncomfortable ride until the next full moon. -1 Skull, unless you can patch and inflate the tires of your heart.
Libra- While you use your ignorance of yourself to make your life worse, others are doing the same thing. Making bad choices that reinforce your poor opinion of yourself is a team sport, so be prepared to get off the bench this week and do your part. Go team! 3 Skulls.
Scorpio- Don’t forget that this week you’re a Pisces. That could go either way for you, depending. 1-5 Skulls (depending)
Sagittarius- The stars say go ahead and wish as much as you want to on them this month, but until you pay last month’s wish bill you can expect Monkey Paw-esque results at best. Schedule extra sessions with your life coach and accountants, just to be sure.
Capricorn- Capricorn? More like Crapicorn. Get it together before the 17th, or you’ll be hashing it out with the sheriff again. 2 skulls.
Aquarius- Your girlfriend will tell you how much she hates it when you chew with your mouth open. Your boyfriend will ask you to open your mouth more when you chew. This is all fine until your fluid bonding partner, Rex, learns that you’ve been eating without him. 2 Skulls.
Pisces- There’s nothing worse than what is about to befall you this month. Well, that’s not true- but you have to admit you fish heads love the drama! I got drunk and didn’t finish transcribing your message from the stars- deal with it. 3.14 Skulls.
Star Mistress Stella, Master of Stars has been practicing astrology and living in her uncle’s attic since 1978. In addition to her astrology practice Star Mistress Stella, Master of Stars sells handmade soaps and footmade lotions at local farmer’s markets.