Straight From The Fridge May 2017

 

To My Readers,

You may have recently noticed a slight dip in the quality of my normally high quality wisdom. I assure you that this has nothing to do with the recent allegations against me that you may or may not have heard about. I am not going to tell you about the so-called allegations. That would do my reputation no good. Remember, you should not be concerned about my personal life, your personal life is in no shape to judge another “normal” person, let alone a life-coach of my stature.

Even though I have yet to be convicted of any crime, I have already noticed that I am being treated as though I have been. It seems as that the post office is no longer delivering my mail. This is being done on purpose, no doubt.

Because of this egregious and outrageous act of domestic terrorism, I have no reader mail to answer. As you may have guessed, an advice column depends on reader written letters in order to function. We have gone over this already, I re-provided you with this information as a courtesy.

Since this column can no longer function as a traditional life changing advice column, it can and will function as a non-traditional life altering advice disbursement channel or N.T.L.A2.D.C for short.

“How does this new life changing technology work?” you might ask me if I were there, but you can’t ask me because I am not there. I am here. I am always here for you, do you hear me? These words are my words and they are inside your head now. They will stay as long as you want them. There is no need to tell anyone that they are here. It can be our secret. You can only wonder why inside your head or perhaps in conversation with others in your demographic, but as I must point out again, not directly to me.

Even if you did not ask, I will tell you.

Still Available!!

A Brief Review Of How A Traditional Life Changing Advice Column Works

1. You, the reader, recognize that you have a problem you are unwilling to solve for yourself.

2. You, the reader, then proceed to look around at advice columns and choose who you want to bother. This is where I come in. As you are reviewing your options for which advice column you want to bother, you decide that I am the naturally superior choice.

3. You will then proceed to write your letter to me, taking care to follow ALL of the mandatory suggestions for how I am to be addressed.

4. Mail (or email) your letter. The whole process depends on you doing this correctly. Stamps do not go on emails. I will not say this again.

5. I read your letter and craft an answer which will change and/or save your life.

6. Your life is saved and/or changed.

A Brief Explanation of How The Non-Traditional Life Altering Advice Disbursement Channel Functions

1. You, the reader, recognize that you have a problem you are unwilling to solve for yourself.

2. You, the reader, then proceed to look around at advice columns and choose who you want to bother. This is where I come in. As you are reviewing your options for which advice column you want to bother, you decide that I am the naturally superior choice.

NOTE: I am aware that the first two steps in both processes are identical. This is as it should be. The differences come in later steps. Continue reading now:

3. Since I am not allowed to receive my mail on account my name and reputation are being drug through the mud and sullied without any good reason, I must find another way to receive your problems. I have found a way, just as I knew I would.

My spirit is indomitable. That is to say my spirit never loses or gives up.
Instead of mailing me your letters, you now just open your mind to me on the Astral Plane and I will visit you and we will handle your situation.

4. When I return from the Astral Plane, I will write a reply to your letter.

5. I will publish my Life Altering Advice to you.

6. You will read my advice and notice your life has been saved and/or changed.

That is all there is too it.

Since you just learned about this new method for solving your troubles and did not have time to properly prepare and open yourself to me on the Astral Plane, we have no letters to publish or reply to.

Do not despair I will see you tonight in your dreams. If I have made contact with you, you will notice. I always leave behind a bit of cytoplasm for your scrap-book.

 


hugoThe Rev.Dr. Hugo Holmesnow has traveled the planet in a quest to dilute the wisdom teachings of ancient cultures so they are safe enough for common men and women everywhere to purchase and misuse.

His mystic training began at the age of four when he was accidentally left behind in the jungle while on a family vacation. Through a series of unlikely events he was eventually adopted by the local natives and trained to be a tribal shaman. After many years, Dr. Holmesnow left the familiarity and safety of the jungle to search for his family.

When he did not find them he climbed a mountain and was nearly killed in the process. The local mystic monks from the ancient monastery found him and nursed him back to health. This near death experience led him to conclude that there was more to life than what he learned from his shaman jungle training. He then began to immerse himself in the ancient mystical practices of the mountain monks. After many years he mastered them and returned to civilization. Forever changed, eternally superior.

Several weeks later he was no longer Hugo Holmesnow, son of incompetent parents. He was and, is The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow, certified life coach and inventor of the “Better Than You Superior Life Coaching System”. This system provides proven methods and techniques that are part of an overall method which contains the strategies that you need to excel, advance, achieve, attain, reach and conquer your dreams, goals, fears, hopes and desires.

In addition to creating a system of self-improvement, Holmesnow is the author of “What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What is Wrong With You” and “Conquer Your Dreams: Defeat Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals”. Both are available now at Amazon in paperback and e-book formats.

 

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