Last time we met I explained how this column must evolve in order to meet both my needs as a Life Coach and your needs as an advice need-er. We agreed that the column will now be a Non-Traditional Life Altering Advice Dispersement Channel or N.T.L.A2.D.C for short instead of whatever primitive model of ancient incompetence it was prior to now.
It should be clear to you that I am not just an inventor of radical life altering techniques, I am an influence-er and disrupt-or in my field.
Now, on to the advice. As you might not remember, instead of you writing letters to me begging for my help, I now find you on the astral plane and communicate with you there. When I return to my body, I write my advice to you in the form of this column here.
It’s all very simple. And efficient. And Amazing.
No more delays, you have waited long enough. Prepare yourself for the unveiling of the world’s first, only, and therefore best N.T.L.A2.D.C.
It will not disappoint you.
Our first piece of advice is for Albert M. of Youngstown, Ohio. I visited him in a dream and encouraged him not to buy that goat he’d been dreaming of buying. He does not qualify for a goat-ing permit due to his DUI conviction and will only endure endless harassment at the hands of public “officials”. He agreed to give up this insane desire, and thus his life was saved.
Susan Rodgers of 45 Street Ave. Intercourse, PA thinks her husband no longer loves her. I entered his dream and asked him. He said he did not. I re-entered Susan and told her what he said. She was not happy, but time heals all wounds.
Someone named Betty wanted to know why her dog keeps soiling on the rug. I did not choose to visit in my astral form nor did I spill my wisdom upon her.
Katlyn Mcatelyn is friendless and wanted to know how to become more popular. I explained that this can be accomplished by first learning about all of the things that are wrong with her. She agreed to purchase my book “What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What Is Wrong With You”. She further agreed that the book will change her life and solve most of her problems.
Harry C in Flint, AZ now knows how I feel about visiting people on the Astral Plane only to be asked for lotto numbers.
And finally, Pepe wants to know how to get over missing someone. Someone who was important and kind to him. Someone who was not afraid to hold him. What I told him is secret. How he spends his time is no one’s concern.
That’s all the advice I can stand to offer today and it will have to satisfy you; no doubt it has. I helped six people in one column. That is nearly twice the amount of people that I was able to save using the older, outdated form of the traditional advice column.
I know that you are as excited about this revolutionary break though as I am.
Now go to sleep, I will see you in your dreams.
The Rev.Dr. Hugo Holmesnow has traveled the planet in a quest to dilute the wisdom teachings of ancient cultures so they are safe enough for common men and women everywhere to purchase and misuse.
His mystic training began at the age of four when he was accidentally left behind in the jungle while on a family vacation. Through a series of unlikely events he was eventually adopted by the local natives and trained to be a tribal shaman. After many years, Dr. Holmesnow left the familiarity and safety of the jungle to search for his family.
When he did not find them he climbed a mountain and was nearly killed in the process. The local mystic monks from the ancient monastery found him and nursed him back to health. This near death experience led him to conclude that there was more to life than what he learned from his shaman jungle training. He then began to immerse himself in the ancient mystical practices of the mountain monks. After many years he mastered them and returned to civilization. Forever changed, eternally superior.
Several weeks later he was no longer Hugo Holmesnow, son of incompetent parents. He was and, is The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow, certified life coach and inventor of the “Better Than You Superior Life Coaching System”. This system provides proven methods and techniques that are part of an overall method which contains the strategies that you need to excel, advance, achieve, attain, reach and conquer your dreams, goals, fears, hopes and desires.
In addition to creating a system of self-improvement, Holmesnow is the author of “What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What is Wrong With You” and “Conquer Your Dreams: Defeat Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals”. Both are available now at Amazon in paperback and e-book formats.