A trash bag full of bottle caps. All kinds. Metal, plastic, screw off, and need a bottle opener kind. Ask for Bobbi. I don’t have a phone so you have to keep asking people about me. You’ll find me. 6 degrees and all that.
A child. Approx. 4 moths old. Not really human looking. Kinda has a tail. Gender not clear. Spits acid. Real fast, like really fast. May or may not be venomous. Eyes a have a funny look to them. I’ve never seen anything like it before. Meet me under the bridge off 6th if you want to take a look at this thing.
Candy. Piles of candy. Get 50 pounds of candy with every purchase of a white van. 555-009-07065. Ask for Lisa, if she says she’s not there say “I’m not a cop”, then ask for her again.
1/2 bedroom basement apartment. No bathroom. BYOBTPAPI (buy your own bucket to poop and pee in) Must not mind ghosts or open flame (lots of both). $6,000 wk. No druggies. No single parents. No cops. No cry babies. Proof of employment, 24 month deposit and 1st and last mo. rent due at signing. 555-555-RENTZ for more info.
A small army of highly trained rebus monkeys available for a modest fee. Perfect for most revenge based fantasies. Ronald 444-343-9543
Tired? Sad? Sick of yourself and what you have done with your life? Fret no more! Rent a pile of baby goats, sure to cheer up the saddest sad sack, the most negative of negative Nancys, and the pissiest of pissy Petes! There is no melancholy that can withstand a pile of adorable and delicious baby goats! You can’t eat these goats though. R.G. 545-555-554566 (I know that’s too many numbers. It’s not a typo.)
My time is for rent, as is my knowledge. Who am I? I am Aleya Cloudtears, wardrobe consultant to the damned. Still wearing last years skull chokers? Eww. Fishnets not full of tears and runners? C’mon, are you even trying? Shoes too comfortable? smh. I can help you look and feel your darkest. firstname.lastname@example.org
Unreasonable noises. Is your house too quiet? Maybe you just like being yelled at? I will come to your house with a box of unreasonable noises, open it, and ruin your day for only $5/hr.
Wanted to Buy
I purchase the entire contents of your head. Every memory, desire, dream, idea etc.. Cash on the spot. Walter 555-122-1212
Button holes (not the entire button, just the holes.) Cash or trade. Jack 555-9898
Money. I buy money. Cash paid for cash! CASH!! 800-caa-aash
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