Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet, Pet Psychic June 2017


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Hey Merwin,
Why do cats sleep all day and then wake up at 3 am…. and well, what do they do? Can’t they do it during the day and sleep at night?

M.L. in OH

Dear M.L.,
The reason for this is simple. At 3 a.m a shift in the Earth’s energy field takes place. Many humans can feel this shift and wake up during it. Some of you have even named this time “Midnight for the Soul”, which is a bit over dramatic, if you ask me. Continue reading

Page Five Ghouls


The Grassman Goeth

Byline: Gary Llewellyn

Dateline: June 24, 2017

I have to admit, when I heard about this week’s monster, I got pretty jazzed, but then it turned out to be some bigfoot-type shit living in Ohio. The government supposedly rounded up all the bigfoot and sent them to Mars to activate the pyramid and terraform the planet. They say it’s breathable up there now. All those pictures NASA feeds us from the Curiosity. That’s Arizona, man.

Goddamit, I’m out of smokes. How many did I smoke? I gotta get Stephanie hooked on smoking so she has cigs I can bum. So there’s some stragglers and this one made it to Ohio and stopped for some reason. Another poor bastard ended up in Pennsylvania. Why didn’t they go north? What the hell’s in Pennsylvania? But then, if he kept going and crossed the river he’d run into a devil. Nobody needs that. I speak from experience. Continue reading

Letter from the Editor


Good evening, Doomed Monkeys, it’s your old pal, Uncle Mort, back with another fine helping of the Saturday Evening Ghost. This week ‘The Ruiner’ continues with another arresting adventure. A. Wizard is back with this month’s ‘Wizard on Whizzin’ and some fresh podcast slices. Get in touch with our regular feature, The Community Corner. ‘Psamurai’ is back with another swingin’ episode. And, as always, the crazy kids from ‘Page Five Ghouls’ check in from wherever it is they wound up this week. All this is brought to you by, our sponsor, Ladies Bottoms Outlet, positioned in direct opposition to Women’s Pants Emporium. Enjoy yourselves, it’s later than you think! Until next time, valetudinarianism!

Wizard on Whizzin Words Only Edition: 5 Reasons I Hate Sweatpants


The Story Of Why I Hate Sweatpants

Today I’d like to talk about sweatpants. Many people have a negative opinion of them. That’s fine.

What Are Sweatpants?

Wikipedia has this to say about the subject:

“Sweatpants are a casual variety of soft trousers intended for comfort or athletic purposes, although they are now worn in many different situations. Because of their comfort and fashionable varieties, they have become one of the most commonly worn items of clothing. In Britain, Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa they are known as tracksuit bottoms, jogging bottoms (or joggers), fat pants, track pants, trackies or tracky bottoms’. In Australia, they are also commonly known as tracky daks.[1]“

It should be noted that the article is in danger of being removed on account of there are no sources to back up the claims that “Sweatpants are a casual variety of soft trouser intended for comfort or athletic purposes.” Continue reading