Straight From the Fridge
Self Help So Good, It Hurts
By The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow
To my reader(s):
It has come to my attention that you do not understand why I am here or why I write this column every month. It is not for my health and well being, that much is for sure. Some of you seem to think that I am here to solve all your petty problems such as “Why is my husband sneaking out of the window every night?” or “Where is my wife? I haven’t seen her in like, 3 weeks.” or even worse:
“I tried writing Mystical Merwin, but he was busy being interviewed for an upcoming episode of Wizard on Whizzin’: Sound Only Edition, so I’m writing to you instead.
My alpaca farm is not doing well. All the alpacas are depressed and don’t want to work. I don’t think they are lazy because all they have to do is go to birthday parties and let little kids pet them or stand still while they get their hair cut off. I’m saying they aren’t working hard is all, they even get rides to (most) of the birthday parties. Thanks for your help, even though you are my second choice.”
Do you see what I mean? I did not get into the life-coaching vocation in order to play Miss Manners to a bunch of half-wits who are of the opinion that that is exactly why I got into it. When I want to play Miss Manners I do so in the privacy of my own home, not in the middle of the internet for all to see.
That being said, I have some questions for you. It’s not a quiz, quizzes only happen in my books. These are questions to guide you to a place where you understand what part you play in my life coaching practice. The part you have assumed you are playing is the incorrect part. Correction is needed. Correction on your part. Not mine.
I have also given you the answers to the questions. I know you do not mind and that you are also not grateful for my kindness. This is our problem. The one I am working to solve, what are you doing about it?
Q. Dear Reader(s),
I will not try to be polite to you in the introduction of this letter that I am writing to you to ask you for something. Not just something, but a free something. That’s my question. Tell me why I am expected to give my wisdom and healing methods away for free to those who have not even read my books?
A. Dear Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow,
We’re (I’m) sorry for not understanding that your time is more valuable than our (my) pretty problem. I (we) will make up for it by purchasing your books and sending emails to the editor of this website telling him how angry we are that A. Wizard got a podcast and all you got is a group of barely functioning trainables sending you letters day and night begging to be made whole. As though whole-ness can be transmitted via advice columns.
I will provide one more question and answer for you out of the kindness of what remains of my heart.
Another Q. Dear Reader(s),
Hey there Pal. Greetings Chum! Good evening, Sweet Cheeks.
Are you offended yet? You no doubt, have a name. A real name. You might even have a title. A title you spent months training for and are proud of. A title like “Assistant Manager” or “Customer Retention Agent”? It’s exciting to be an agent!
Granted, they are not the best titles a person could have, but they still mean you have done something and that something should be recognized by adding it to your name.
It is called respect.
Another A. Dear Rev. Dr. Holmesnow,
You are right. We (I) apologize for asking you for free advice via this column instead of buying your books.
There, was that so hard to do? I hope it was not, but I know that it was.
My books can be found here and here. I can monitor the sales numbers, so your lies are ineffective.
The Rev.Dr. Hugo Holmesnow has traveled the planet in a quest to dilute the wisdom teachings of ancient cultures so they are safe enough for common men and women everywhere to purchase and misuse.
His mystic training began at the age of four when he was accidentally left behind in the jungle while on a family vacation. Through a series of unlikely events he was eventually adopted by the local natives and trained to be a tribal shaman. After many years, Dr. Holmesnow left the familiarity and safety of the jungle to search for his family.
When he did not find them he climbed a mountain and was nearly killed in the process. The local mystic monks from the ancient monastery found him and nursed him back to health. This near death experience led him to conclude that there was more to life than what he learned from his shaman jungle training. He then began to immerse himself in the ancient mystical practices of the mountain monks. After many years he mastered them and returned to civilization. Forever changed, eternally superior.
Several weeks later he was no longer Hugo Holmesnow, son of incompetent parents. He was and, is The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow, certified life coach and inventor of the “Better Than You Superior Life Coaching System”. This system provides proven methods and techniques that are part of an overall method which contains the strategies that you need to excel, advance, achieve, attain, reach and conquer your dreams, goals, fears, hopes and desires.
In addition to creating a system of self improvement, Holmesnow is the author of “What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What is Wrong With You” and “Conquer Your Dreams: Defeat Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals”. Both are available now at Amazon in paperback and ebook formats.