Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet, Pet Psychic June 2017

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Hey Merwin,
Why do cats sleep all day and then wake up at 3 am…. and well, what do they do? Can’t they do it during the day and sleep at night?

M.L. in OH

Dear M.L.,
The reason for this is simple. At 3 a.m a shift in the Earth’s energy field takes place. Many humans can feel this shift and wake up during it. Some of you have even named this time “Midnight for the Soul”, which is a bit over dramatic, if you ask me. Continue reading

Straight From The Fridge June 2017

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Last time we met I explained how this column must evolve in order to meet both my needs as a Life Coach and your needs as an advice need-er. We agreed that the column will now be a Non-Traditional Life Altering Advice Dispersement Channel or N.T.L.A2.D.C for short instead of whatever primitive model of ancient incompetence it was prior to now.

It should be clear to you that I am not just an inventor of radical life altering techniques, I am an influence-er and disrupt-or in my field.

Now, on to the advice. As you might not remember, instead of you writing letters to me begging for my help, I now find you on the astral plane and communicate with you there. When I return to my body, I write my advice to you in the form of this column​ here.

It’s all very simple. And efficient. And Amazing.

No more delays, you have waited long enough. Prepare yourself for the unveiling of the world’s first, only, and therefore best N.T.L.A2.D.C.
It will not disappoint you.

Our first piece of advice is for Albert M. of Youngstown, Ohio. I visited him in a dream and encouraged him not to buy that goat he’d been dreaming of buying. He does not qualify for a goat-ing permit due to his DUI conviction and will only endure endless harassment at the hands of public “officials”. He agreed to give up this insane desire, and thus his life was saved.

Susan Rodgers of 45 Street Ave. Intercourse, PA thinks her husband no longer loves her. I entered his dream and asked him. He said he did not. I re-entered Susan and told her what he said. She was not happy, but time heals all wounds.

Someone named Betty wanted to know why her dog keeps soiling on the rug. I did not choose to visit in my astral form nor did I spill my wisdom upon her.

Katlyn Mcatelyn is friendless and wanted to know how to become more popular. I explained that this can be accomplished by first learning about all of the things that are wrong with her. She agreed to purchase my book “What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What Is Wrong With You”. She further agreed that the book will change her life and solve most of her problems.

Harry C in Flint, AZ now knows how I feel about visiting people on the Astral Plane only to be asked for lotto numbers.

And finally, Pepe wants to know how to get over missing someone. Someone who was important and kind to him. Someone who was not afraid to hold him. What I told him is secret. How he spends his time is no one’s concern.

That’s all the advice I can stand to offer today and it will have to satisfy you; no doubt it has. I helped six people in one column. That is nearly twice the amount of people that I was able to save using the older, outdated form of the traditional advice column.

I know that you are as excited about this revolutionary break though as I am.

Now go to sleep, I will see you in your dreams.


hugoThe Rev.Dr. Hugo Holmesnow has traveled the planet in a quest to dilute the wisdom teachings of ancient cultures so they are safe enough for common men and women everywhere to purchase and misuse.

His mystic training began at the age of four when he was accidentally left behind in the jungle while on a family vacation. Through a series of unlikely events he was eventually adopted by the local natives and trained to be a tribal shaman. After many years, Dr. Holmesnow left the familiarity and safety of the jungle to search for his family.

When he did not find them he climbed a mountain and was nearly killed in the process. The local mystic monks from the ancient monastery found him and nursed him back to health. This near death experience led him to conclude that there was more to life than what he learned from his shaman jungle training. He then began to immerse himself in the ancient mystical practices of the mountain monks. After many years he mastered them and returned to civilization. Forever changed, eternally superior.

Several weeks later he was no longer Hugo Holmesnow, son of incompetent parents. He was and, is The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow, certified life coach and inventor of the “Better Than You Superior Life Coaching System”. This system provides proven methods and techniques that are part of an overall method which contains the strategies that you need to excel, advance, achieve, attain, reach and conquer your dreams, goals, fears, hopes and desires.

In addition to creating a system of self-improvement, Holmesnow is the author of “What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What is Wrong With You” and “Conquer Your Dreams: Defeat Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals”. Both are available now at Amazon in paperback and e-book formats.

Straight From The Fridge May 2017

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Straight From the Fridge

Self Help So Good, It Hurts

By The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow

 

To My Readers,

You may have recently noticed a slight dip in the quality of my normally high quality wisdom. I assure you that this has nothing to do with the recent allegations against me that you may or may not have heard about. I am not going to tell you about the so-called allegations. That would do my reputation no good. Remember, you should not be concerned about my personal life, your personal life is in no shape to judge another “normal” person, let alone a life-coach of my stature.

Continue reading

Letters to the Editor

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Dear Mr. Myrrh,

In the 3/17 issue of SEG you said I could tell my friend I had a skeleton for a pal. So I did. And one of the other kid’s mothers heard me and claimed it was slang for a new street drug she just made up. She said the effects were however I was behaving at the moment. She may have heard about it from the secret Oprah email list. Have you heard about this? It’s like an Infowars for concerned upper middle class moms. They don’t like you guys. Anyway, I’m going to be doing a nickel at a Scared Straight Christian boot camp for third graders. It’s built on top of a desecrated Native American holy site. Anything you could do with that?

Skeleton Crew 4 lyfe

Continue reading

Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet, Pet Psychic

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Dear Merwin,

I’ve moved to a new city, and would like to host a party for all of the new cat friends I’ve made in my new apartment building. I already plan to have the Scrabble board all set up, and if things get slow, I’ve got an important Word doc I could try to work on. Do you have any good recipe ideas?Thanks in advance!
Sally in New Mexico

Dear Sally,
Bacon. Crispy bacon that is broken into tiny bits. Lots of it.

Dear Merwin,

I’ve heard that animals, and cats specifically, remember and carry the knowledge of Lost Atlantis. I was not receptive to this information at the time; I was looking for a cheap way to diagnose a kidney infection. (It turned out to be a kidney infection. RIP, Rickles.) So…. What are your thoughts on Atlantis?Signed,
Belated

Dear Belated,

Thank you for your interesting question. Please accept my condolences on the loss of Rickles. Even though you didn’t ask me to I went ahead and contacted his spirit, which is now residing in Catlantis, a secret paradise for cats only that I shouldn’t have told you about. Too late now, it seems the cat is out of the bag on this one!

At any rate Rickles sends his love and wants you to know everything is great in Catlantis. He plans to spend a few of his remaining lifetimes there and said he might see you again. He’s also been taking a class in practical dream traveling. So keep your eyes closed and fingers crossed!

I, like most cats, have been to both Catlantis and Atlantis. Atlantis was nothing like how people describe it. It’s a dump. I even channeled Madame Blavatsky for a human perspective on Atlantis, and was not impressed with what she had to say. Good Lord, could that woman ramble on and on! Have you ever tried to listen to her once she gets on a roll?

Personally, I consider Atlantis to be an unnecessary and silly morality tale which is meant to keep you people believing progress must come with evil, selfish overtones and side effects and that arrogance is a natural extension of evolution.

Hope that helped, remember opinions are like tails…everyone has one.

                                                     (except for Manx, they’re completely indifferent – ed.)

Dear Merwin,

My new girlfriend insists on using the litter box when she’s sleeping over. She says she spent years living in the wild with a pack of cats, because of tax purposes, and this is the most sensitive, thoughtful way that she has to connect with others. I’m not so sure. I pee in some weird places but only because it’s convenient, not because of some weird unresolved tax issue. Is there anyway I can do anything to make using the human bathroom more appealing?

WTF in NYC

Dear WTF in NYC,

Some days I wonder why I got into this psychic pet business, then I get a letter like this. First of all, your girlfriend is a human and also not a pet. Since this is the case, I was unable to contact her spirit guides or visit her in the Catstral Plane.

That being said, nobody does stuff like that JUST for tax reasons. I know some pretty weird cats (slang for people) and they all use the people litter box. How would you feel if I were visiting you and needed to go to the bathroom and instead of using the litter box like the other cats (this time I’m referring to cats), I stood up and used your toilet?

You’d probably feel weird and uncomfortable. That’s exactly how your cat, Medona, feels. I was able to talk to her in our spirit forms and she told me that the tax reason is a lie. Medona also asked me to let you know that she isn’t too found of this new one and if you don’t do something about her descrating her little box, she will.

 

merwinMerwin Smith has been a professional psychic pet his entire life. Even though he realized his gifts at an early age, he didn’t start pet psychic-ing professionally until 20 years ago.

He quickly became the darling of the pet psychic scene and was one of the most requested readers at “The Psychic Pet Pet Psychic Shack”.

If you have a question about your pet, you can email Merwin at: merwin@saturdayeveningghost.com

Straight From The Fridge

Straight From the Fridge
Self Help So Good, It Hurts
By The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow

To my reader(s):

It has come to my attention that you do not understand why I am here or why I write this column every month. It is not for my health and well being, that much is for sure. Some of you seem to think that I am here to solve all your petty problems such as “Why is my husband sneaking out of the window every night?” or “Where is my wife? I haven’t seen her in like, 3 weeks.” or even worse:

“I tried writing Mystical Merwin, but he was busy being interviewed for an upcoming episode of Wizard on Whizzin’: Sound Only Edition, so I’m writing to you instead.

My alpaca farm is not doing well. All the alpacas are depressed and don’t want to work. I don’t think they are lazy because all they have to do is go to birthday parties and let little kids pet them or stand still while they get their hair cut off. I’m saying they aren’t working hard is all, they even get rides to (most) of the birthday parties. Thanks for your help, even though you are my second choice.”

Do you see what I mean? I did not get into the life-coaching vocation in order to play Miss Manners to a bunch of half-wits who are of the opinion that that is exactly why I got into it. When I want to play Miss Manners I do so in the privacy of my own home, not in the middle of the internet for all to see.

That being said, I have some questions for you. It’s not a quiz, quizzes only happen in my books. These are questions to guide you to a place where you understand what part you play in my life coaching practice. The part you have assumed you are playing is the incorrect part. Correction is needed. Correction on your part. Not mine.

I have also given you the answers to the questions. I know you do not mind and that you are also not grateful for my kindness. This is our problem. The one I am working to solve, what are you doing about it?

hugo april 1

 

Q. Dear Reader(s),

I will not try to be polite to you in the introduction of this letter that I am writing to you to ask you for something. Not just something, but a free something. That’s my question. Tell me why I am expected to give my wisdom and healing methods away for free to those who have not even read my books?

A. Dear Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow,

We’re (I’m) sorry for not understanding that your time is more valuable than our (my) pretty problem. I (we) will make up for it by purchasing your books and sending emails to the editor of this website telling him how angry we are that A. Wizard got a podcast and all you got is a group of barely functioning trainables sending you letters day and night begging to be made whole. As though whole-ness can be transmitted via advice columns.

I will provide one more question and answer for you out of the kindness of what remains of my heart.

Another Q. Dear Reader(s),

Hey there Pal. Greetings Chum! Good evening, Sweet Cheeks.
Are you offended yet? You no doubt, have a name. A real name. You might even have a title. A title you spent months training for and are proud of. A title like “Assistant Manager” or “Customer Retention Agent”? It’s exciting to be an agent!
Granted, they are not the best titles a person could have, but they still mean you have done something and that something should be recognized by adding it to your name.

It is called respect.

hugo april 2

Another A. Dear Rev. Dr. Holmesnow,

You are right. We (I) apologize for asking you for free advice via this column instead of buying your books.

There, was that so hard to do? I hope it was not, but I know that it was.

My books can be found here and here. I can monitor the sales numbers, so your lies are ineffective.

 


hugoThe Rev.Dr. Hugo Holmesnow has traveled the planet in a quest to dilute the wisdom teachings of ancient cultures so they are safe enough for common men and women everywhere to purchase and misuse.

His mystic training began at the age of four when he was accidentally left behind in the jungle while on a family vacation. Through a series of unlikely events he was eventually adopted by the local natives and trained to be a tribal shaman. After many years, Dr. Holmesnow left the familiarity and safety of the jungle to search for his family.

When he did not find them he climbed a mountain and was nearly killed in the process. The local mystic monks from the ancient monastery found him and nursed him back to health. This near death experience led him to conclude that there was more to life than what he learned from his shaman jungle training. He then began to immerse himself in the ancient mystical practices of the mountain monks. After many years he mastered them and returned to civilization. Forever changed, eternally superior.

Several weeks later he was no longer Hugo Holmesnow, son of incompetent parents. He was and, is The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow, certified life coach and inventor of the “Better Than You Superior Life Coaching System”. This system provides proven methods and techniques that are part of an overall method which contains the strategies that you need to excel, advance, achieve, attain, reach and conquer your dreams, goals, fears, hopes and desires.

In addition to creating a system of self improvement, Holmesnow is the author of “What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What is Wrong With You” and “Conquer Your Dreams: Defeat Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals”. Both are available now at Amazon in paperback and ebook formats.