Straight From The Fridge June 2017

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Last time we met I explained how this column must evolve in order to meet both my needs as a Life Coach and your needs as an advice need-er. We agreed that the column will now be a Non-Traditional Life Altering Advice Dispersement Channel or N.T.L.A2.D.C for short instead of whatever primitive model of ancient incompetence it was prior to now.

It should be clear to you that I am not just an inventor of radical life altering techniques, I am an influence-er and disrupt-or in my field.

Now, on to the advice. As you might not remember, instead of you writing letters to me begging for my help, I now find you on the astral plane and communicate with you there. When I return to my body, I write my advice to you in the form of this column​ here.

It’s all very simple. And efficient. And Amazing.

No more delays, you have waited long enough. Prepare yourself for the unveiling of the world’s first, only, and therefore best N.T.L.A2.D.C.
It will not disappoint you.

Our first piece of advice is for Albert M. of Youngstown, Ohio. I visited him in a dream and encouraged him not to buy that goat he’d been dreaming of buying. He does not qualify for a goat-ing permit due to his DUI conviction and will only endure endless harassment at the hands of public “officials”. He agreed to give up this insane desire, and thus his life was saved.

Susan Rodgers of 45 Street Ave. Intercourse, PA thinks her husband no longer loves her. I entered his dream and asked him. He said he did not. I re-entered Susan and told her what he said. She was not happy, but time heals all wounds.

Someone named Betty wanted to know why her dog keeps soiling on the rug. I did not choose to visit in my astral form nor did I spill my wisdom upon her.

Katlyn Mcatelyn is friendless and wanted to know how to become more popular. I explained that this can be accomplished by first learning about all of the things that are wrong with her. She agreed to purchase my book “What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What Is Wrong With You”. She further agreed that the book will change her life and solve most of her problems.

Harry C in Flint, AZ now knows how I feel about visiting people on the Astral Plane only to be asked for lotto numbers.

And finally, Pepe wants to know how to get over missing someone. Someone who was important and kind to him. Someone who was not afraid to hold him. What I told him is secret. How he spends his time is no one’s concern.

That’s all the advice I can stand to offer today and it will have to satisfy you; no doubt it has. I helped six people in one column. That is nearly twice the amount of people that I was able to save using the older, outdated form of the traditional advice column.

I know that you are as excited about this revolutionary break though as I am.

Now go to sleep, I will see you in your dreams.


hugoThe Rev.Dr. Hugo Holmesnow has traveled the planet in a quest to dilute the wisdom teachings of ancient cultures so they are safe enough for common men and women everywhere to purchase and misuse.

His mystic training began at the age of four when he was accidentally left behind in the jungle while on a family vacation. Through a series of unlikely events he was eventually adopted by the local natives and trained to be a tribal shaman. After many years, Dr. Holmesnow left the familiarity and safety of the jungle to search for his family.

When he did not find them he climbed a mountain and was nearly killed in the process. The local mystic monks from the ancient monastery found him and nursed him back to health. This near death experience led him to conclude that there was more to life than what he learned from his shaman jungle training. He then began to immerse himself in the ancient mystical practices of the mountain monks. After many years he mastered them and returned to civilization. Forever changed, eternally superior.

Several weeks later he was no longer Hugo Holmesnow, son of incompetent parents. He was and, is The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow, certified life coach and inventor of the “Better Than You Superior Life Coaching System”. This system provides proven methods and techniques that are part of an overall method which contains the strategies that you need to excel, advance, achieve, attain, reach and conquer your dreams, goals, fears, hopes and desires.

In addition to creating a system of self-improvement, Holmesnow is the author of “What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What is Wrong With You” and “Conquer Your Dreams: Defeat Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals”. Both are available now at Amazon in paperback and e-book formats.

Straight From The Fridge May 2017

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Straight From the Fridge

Self Help So Good, It Hurts

By The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow

 

To My Readers,

You may have recently noticed a slight dip in the quality of my normally high quality wisdom. I assure you that this has nothing to do with the recent allegations against me that you may or may not have heard about. I am not going to tell you about the so-called allegations. That would do my reputation no good. Remember, you should not be concerned about my personal life, your personal life is in no shape to judge another “normal” person, let alone a life-coach of my stature.

Continue reading

Straight From The Fridge

Straight From the Fridge
Self Help So Good, It Hurts
By The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow

To my reader(s):

It has come to my attention that you do not understand why I am here or why I write this column every month. It is not for my health and well being, that much is for sure. Some of you seem to think that I am here to solve all your petty problems such as “Why is my husband sneaking out of the window every night?” or “Where is my wife? I haven’t seen her in like, 3 weeks.” or even worse:

“I tried writing Mystical Merwin, but he was busy being interviewed for an upcoming episode of Wizard on Whizzin’: Sound Only Edition, so I’m writing to you instead.

My alpaca farm is not doing well. All the alpacas are depressed and don’t want to work. I don’t think they are lazy because all they have to do is go to birthday parties and let little kids pet them or stand still while they get their hair cut off. I’m saying they aren’t working hard is all, they even get rides to (most) of the birthday parties. Thanks for your help, even though you are my second choice.”

Do you see what I mean? I did not get into the life-coaching vocation in order to play Miss Manners to a bunch of half-wits who are of the opinion that that is exactly why I got into it. When I want to play Miss Manners I do so in the privacy of my own home, not in the middle of the internet for all to see.

That being said, I have some questions for you. It’s not a quiz, quizzes only happen in my books. These are questions to guide you to a place where you understand what part you play in my life coaching practice. The part you have assumed you are playing is the incorrect part. Correction is needed. Correction on your part. Not mine.

I have also given you the answers to the questions. I know you do not mind and that you are also not grateful for my kindness. This is our problem. The one I am working to solve, what are you doing about it?

hugo april 1

 

Q. Dear Reader(s),

I will not try to be polite to you in the introduction of this letter that I am writing to you to ask you for something. Not just something, but a free something. That’s my question. Tell me why I am expected to give my wisdom and healing methods away for free to those who have not even read my books?

A. Dear Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow,

We’re (I’m) sorry for not understanding that your time is more valuable than our (my) pretty problem. I (we) will make up for it by purchasing your books and sending emails to the editor of this website telling him how angry we are that A. Wizard got a podcast and all you got is a group of barely functioning trainables sending you letters day and night begging to be made whole. As though whole-ness can be transmitted via advice columns.

I will provide one more question and answer for you out of the kindness of what remains of my heart.

Another Q. Dear Reader(s),

Hey there Pal. Greetings Chum! Good evening, Sweet Cheeks.
Are you offended yet? You no doubt, have a name. A real name. You might even have a title. A title you spent months training for and are proud of. A title like “Assistant Manager” or “Customer Retention Agent”? It’s exciting to be an agent!
Granted, they are not the best titles a person could have, but they still mean you have done something and that something should be recognized by adding it to your name.

It is called respect.

hugo april 2

Another A. Dear Rev. Dr. Holmesnow,

You are right. We (I) apologize for asking you for free advice via this column instead of buying your books.

There, was that so hard to do? I hope it was not, but I know that it was.

My books can be found here and here. I can monitor the sales numbers, so your lies are ineffective.

 


hugoThe Rev.Dr. Hugo Holmesnow has traveled the planet in a quest to dilute the wisdom teachings of ancient cultures so they are safe enough for common men and women everywhere to purchase and misuse.

His mystic training began at the age of four when he was accidentally left behind in the jungle while on a family vacation. Through a series of unlikely events he was eventually adopted by the local natives and trained to be a tribal shaman. After many years, Dr. Holmesnow left the familiarity and safety of the jungle to search for his family.

When he did not find them he climbed a mountain and was nearly killed in the process. The local mystic monks from the ancient monastery found him and nursed him back to health. This near death experience led him to conclude that there was more to life than what he learned from his shaman jungle training. He then began to immerse himself in the ancient mystical practices of the mountain monks. After many years he mastered them and returned to civilization. Forever changed, eternally superior.

Several weeks later he was no longer Hugo Holmesnow, son of incompetent parents. He was and, is The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow, certified life coach and inventor of the “Better Than You Superior Life Coaching System”. This system provides proven methods and techniques that are part of an overall method which contains the strategies that you need to excel, advance, achieve, attain, reach and conquer your dreams, goals, fears, hopes and desires.

In addition to creating a system of self improvement, Holmesnow is the author of “What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What is Wrong With You” and “Conquer Your Dreams: Defeat Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals”. Both are available now at Amazon in paperback and ebook formats.

 

Straight From the Fridge

Straight From The Fridge

Self help so good, it hurts

By The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow, Life-coach, Shaman, Monk

Dear The Reverend Doctor Hugo Holmesnow,

Whenever I get involved in a relationship terrible things happen to person I’m with. It wasn’t always this way. I used to be able to meet some one and have a good time with them. We’d do things together, talk to each other, cook and eat food together- all the classic love things. For the past ten years or so, ever since returning from New Orleans where I visited a Voodoo priest and didn’t pay him, all of my romantic interests die during our first date.

I have been arrested and questioned as a “person of interest” at least 15 times. I’d really like to meet someone nice and have them stay alive for once. I’m getting so lonely I could cry. All of the dating websites have banned me. My local paper no longer runs my ads and my television commercials aren’t running at good times of the day.

Please help,

All my lovers die on the first date and it’s driving me nuts.

Dear AMLDOTFDAIDMN,

You have clearly been cursed. I could undo the curse put upon you easily. Jungle Shamanism is far more powerful than Voodoo and poses no serious threat to someone like me. Three coconuts, a railroad spike, two hours, and some rum is all I would need to undo this for you.

I am not going to do this ritual of uncursing for you.

Why?

It does not take a rocket scientist to understand that this happened to you because you did not pay the Voodoo man. By admitting this you are admitting that you don’t pay your bills. Do you know what people who do not pay their bills often get called? The word is “deadbeat”.

Magical ceremonies are not free, they aren’t even cheap most of the time. I am concerned that if I remove your curse for you, you will not pay me, just as you did not pay the Voodoo man.

Do you do your job for free? I doubt that you have one. If you did, I bet you would not do it for free. People who work for free are called “slaves”.

Do not despair, you have learned two new words today. I will use them in simple sentences to help you internalize them:

You are a deadbeat. A deadbeat is someone who doesn’t pay their bills.

I am not a slave. A slave is someone who works for free.

I’d tell you to have a good day but you wrote to me with a serious problem, which I refused to help you with, so I doubt a good day is what you’ll have.

If I were you,-  I could never be like you. Never mind. we are done here.

Rev. Dr. Holmesnow

hugo cookie
Dear Rev. Dr. Holmesnow,

Long time reader, first time writer. I just had to write and say something about last month’s column. It made me so angry to see you disrespected by “Tom” that I had to write in and say something.

I agree 100% with how you handled the situation. I only wish you could meet him in person and settle his hash with a traditional beating- like how you describe it in your upcoming book “What is Wrong With Me? The Hugo Holmesnow Story.”

There are so many good parts in your as of yet to be published book, that I had a difficult time choosing just one part. I also had no idea that you remember being in the womb. Wow! You really are as amazing as you say you are.

Wow!

I’m including an excerpt for your soon to be published book “What’s Wrong With Me? The Hugo Holmesnow Story.”

P.S. It’s great that you didn’t use your titles and credentials in the title. “The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow Story” sounds far too intimidating for most people to read. By using just your name, you come across humble, yet brilliantly capable. I could go on and on……So here’s a sample of your unpublished masterpiece:

Chapter One: My Birth and Babyhood

Before Conception:

After Conception:

The two primeval forces I was composed of mingled and joined together inside of my host and so I began the long journey of transmuting spirit to flesh.

At first I was one cell, then two. I grew at a steady rate and soon had the beginnings of a head and the basic components of a nervous system. I also had a tail, but I did not know why or how to properly use it to my best advantage, yet.

Some time passed and soon I had a fully formed head. Once I had a head, I began to notice. Once I began to notice, I started to understand. Even though I had no concept of understanding, I understood. I had no concepts at all but I did not let that stop my evolution.

As time passed I began to understand the passage of time. I felt the cycles of what the already born were calling “day” and “night”. I learned to hear sounds and soon developed tiny eyeballs, which I would use to see things. I saw a tube and from it I stole nourishment and nutrition from my host. This pleased me a great deal. The nourishing goo itself brought about a feeling of pleasant contentment but the fact that I was taking what something else needed in order to survive was what really excited me about the tube.

One day I noticed that I was not alone, there was another tiny head in my bio-incubation chamber. We fought. The battle raged for several “days”. I was victorious, but just barely. I consumed my enemy and absorbed its life essence. I do not think my host noticed.

Things were calm after I had eliminated my rival and I suffered no further interruptions to my gestation. I grew, both in mind and body. New parts appeared with regularity. I now had four limbs. Two of which I called “hands” and the others I named “feet”.

I took such joy from grabbing my feet with my hands and letting them go. I would do this over and over. Sometimes I would try to grab my tail, but I never was able to catch hold of it. I kept at it though, so much so that I had nearly given up on grabbing my feet and letting them go.

Day and night I worked at catching my tail. Turning this way, then that way. Flipping around and somersaulting. Floating and twisting. Always trying to grab my tail. I noticed that it seemed to be shrinking but that didn’t stop me.

My will was absolute.

I was going to catch my tail.

I eventually did.

It was rapturous.

I will tell you the tale of how I caught my tail some other time. Now is not the time. Now is the time to tell you about how catching my tail made me feel and what it meant to me.

Catching my tail was the first time I felt my full power. It was the first time I noticed I was different, more special, better smelling and better at smelling than those around me.

Yes, by this point I had developed what you would call an “olfactory system.” I could smell. I was ahead of schedule.

What I smelled, I can not say.

I did not yet know what I was, but I knew that I was and that is what is important.

Eventually, I developed a more refined concept of the passing of time. I could see that I was changing, getting bigger, larger. I was almost used to having a mouth and hair grew upon my head and feet. I did not know why. I did not care why. I understood why. That was enough.

My tail vanished. To where, I confess that I did not know.

***
Wow! I can hardly wait to wri–, I mean, read the rest!

Keep up the excellent work!! Your presence on Earth is a gift from God.

Sincerely,

RDHH

Dear RDHH,

I couldn’t have said it better myself. You really are a powerful and special man, full of wisdom and accomplishments. May your light continue to shine without the interference of “Tom”.

The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow

***


 

 hugoThe Rev.Dr. Hugo Holmesnow has traveled the planet in a quest to dilute the wisdom teachings of ancient cultures so they are safe enough for common men and women everywhere to purchase and misuse.

His mystic training began at the age of four when he was accidentally left behind in the jungle while on a family vacation. Through a series of unlikely events he was eventually adopted by the local natives and trained to be a tribal shaman. After many years, Dr. Holmesnow left the familiarity and safety of the jungle to search for his family.

When he did not find them he climbed a mountain and was nearly killed in the process. The local mystic monks from the ancient monastery found him and nursed him back to health. This near death experience led him to conclude that there was more to life than what he learned from his shaman jungle training. He then began to immerse himself in the ancient mystical practices of the mountain monks. After many years he mastered them and returned to civilization. Forever changed, eternally superior.

Several weeks later he was no longer Hugo Holmesnow, son of incompetent parents. He was and, is The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow, certified life coach and inventor of the “Better Than You Superior Life Coaching System”. This system provides proven methods and techniques that are part of an overall method which contains the strategies that you need to excel, advance, achieve, attain, reach and conquer your dreams, goals, fears, hopes and desires.

In addition to creating a system of self improvement, Holmesnow is the author of “What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What is Wrong With You” and “Conquer Your Dreams: Defeat Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals”. Both are available now at Amazon in paperback and ebook formats.

A Primer on Zen Boozism Lesson One

Brothers and Sisters in Zen Boozism,

How is it going today? Are you doing alright? I trust that you are and that this letter finds you in both good and fermented spirits.

Firstly, I’d like to thank you for enrolling in this correspondence course, “A Primer on Zen Boozism”. This course will include six lessons as well as supplemental visual learning aids which will lead you to not only a better understanding of Zen Boozism and Booze Wizardry, but of yourself as well. It is my sincere wish that you not only enjoy, but find these lessons useful as well.

Let’s start at the top by asking the question:

What is a Booze Wizard anyways?

 pzv01_01

How can I become a Booze Wizard, if that’s what I choose to become?

The first step towards becoming a Bona Fide Booze Wizard begins with you, the Neophyte, (that’s you!) making the decision to understand that you do not understand yourself.

In order to help this process of positive self analyzation along, you may wish to perform this simple Booze Wizard ritual, known as “The Sacred Sample”:

pzv01_02

While it is not the intention of the author to bog you down with too much too soon, there is a possibility that this ritual will be a bit too much for some of you. Do not feel it is necessary to perform the Sacred Sample at this point. It is offered merely as a glimpse into the workings of the Booze Wizard, not as a homework assignment.

I feel that you have been exposed to enough for now and would like to leave you with a summation of what we have covered in order to ease the process of assimilation.

Please remember that reading these lessons just once isn’t going to be enough. The goal is to absorb the information and concepts presented so that they become a part of who you are, not just to become intellectually familiar with them.There is very little to be gained from superficially absorbing these lessons. It is recommended that you read over the material two or three times a week and set aside some time daily to think about what you are learning. Only with repeated exposure to this information combined with independent pondering will you gain the treasures of Booze Whizzin’.

To sum up:

  • A booze wizard seeks inner transformation rather than the acquisition of magic powers.
  • This is accomplished by paying attention to one’s thoughts, actions and feelings without judging them.
  • The booze wizard uses drunkenness to set a trap intended to lure out soul slime and spirit sludge. The sheer drama and honesty that come with a good buzz is the doorway to inner illumination- if done correctly.

You have taken your first step into a weird and wonderful world that is the inside of your head.

Welcome! Enjoy the process of absorbing these lessons and I’ll be back with more information on Zen Boozism before you know it.

Before I go, here is a final visual aid for your enjoyment and illumination

pzv01_03

Yours in Booze Wizardry,

B.F. Smith

Alchemist of the blues.
B. F. Smith (photo unavailable), also known as “The Alchemist of the Blues”, is a time traveling Bluesman/Alchemist and founder of “Zen Boozeism- The Path of the Booze Wizard.” When he’s not investigating chrno-anomalies or having the blues, he runs a mail order mystery school which mails out mysteries to those enrolled.

Sponsored Content by The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow- “A Free Taste of My Wisdom and Power

Are you already a blogger?

Are you already doing “blogs”? If so, know that it is not to late to live the dream of one day rising above these urges and once again becoming a decent human being.

I know that being the sort of human being that can enjoy the company of other human beings in a social setting seems like a moon dream, a magical fantastical never going to happen so why not just keep blogging sort of wish. The sort of wish too big for a birthday cake to grant, far too big. That never stops you from trying, does it? Year after year, cake after cake, always failure.

Who Am I?

hugo

Why, I’m Me, The Dr. Hugo Homlesnow.

Life-coach, Shaman, Monk, Excellent Lover

I’m someone who is here to tell you that this dream can come true. Maybe not for all of you, but for at least a few of you. I am Dr. Hugo Homesnow, Life Coach and inventor of the “Better Than You Life Enhancement” series of DVD lectures, seminars and books.

Why Do You Want To Help?

I took a look at my friends and clients and realized that many of them were bloggers and also failures. Thinking to myself, I thought “If only something I learned while training with the Mystic Monks of the Mountains or while living and learning the ways of the Shamans of the Jungle could help these miserable husks of humanity.” After many hours meditating inside my spirit guide chamber, I recorded the following affirmation, which is designed to help you overcome your childish dreams of people reading what you write and move on with your life.

What Cure for Blogging do I Offer?

I offer this to you, the soulless denizens of the blogosphere. Hear My Voice, Heal Your Soul:

I know that you have enjoyed that. I know that it has begun to change your life for the best. I also know, as do all life coaches, that one affirmation is never enough. You must have more, several even- but not too many.

You’ll also need books and other products and also, many face to face sessions. All that is too much for you right now. Much too much.

When you are ready to truly transform and take charge of your quantum reality generating mechanism, I will come find you. Do not look for me. If you cannot help yourself from looking for me, look for me here and here and here or here or here.

 

hugoThe Rev.Dr. Hugo Holmesnow – has traveled the planet in a quest to dilute the wisdom teachings of ancient cultures so they are safe enough for common men and women everywhere to purchase and misuse.

His mystic training began at the age of four when he was accidentally left behind in the jungle while on a family vacation. Through a series of unlikely events he was eventually adopted by the local natives and trained to be a tribal shaman. After many years, Dr. Holmesnow left the familiarity and safety of the jungle to search for his family.

When he did not find them he climbed a mountain and was nearly killed in the process. The local mystic monks from the ancient monastery found him and nursed him back to health. This near death experience led him to conclude that there was more to life than what he learned from his shaman jungle training. He then began to immerse himself in the ancient mystical practices of the mountain monks. After many years he mastered them and returned to civilization. Forever changed, eternally superior.

Several weeks later he was no longer Hugo Holmesnow, son of incompetent parents. He was and, is The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow, certified life coach and inventor of the “Better Than You Superior Life Coaching System”. This system provides proven methods and techniques that are part of an overall method which contains the strategies that you need to excel, advance, achieve, attain, reach and conquer your dreams, goals, fears, hopes and desires.
In addition to creating a system of self improvement, Holmesnow is the author of “What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What is Wrong With You” and “Conquer Your Dreams: Defeat Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals”. Both are available now at Amazon in paperback and ebook formats.